“We had sort of independent lives, and then overlapping lives on the weekends,” says Anderson. “Come the pandemic, that all just came to a screeching halt.”
While the couple was used to taking on the challenges that came with a busy life filled with work and travel, the initial few months of being together full time presented new hurdles. “I think what was hard, especially at the beginning, is that we didn't know how long this would go on for,” says Anderson. “We were just cobbling together solutions. It’s never been a dynamic where, as the woman, I was cooking dinner all the time—and that wasn’t Billy's expectation, either—but all of a sudden we needed to figure out who cooked meals during the week.”
Being forced to adapt to an entirely new routine is an experience shared by 34-year-old Danika Daly, who had been splitting her time between Portland, Oregon, where her husband is based, and New York, where she runs her public relations agency. When the pandemic hit the U.S., she no longer felt comfortable flying as regularly as she used to and relocated to Portland full-time—a change that has been filled with positives.
“From going months without seeing each other to being together 24/7, it's brought us a lot closer—it's nice to be able to see my husband every day, have routines together, watch shows together instead of talking about them on FaceTime,” says Daly. “Work definitely defined me pre-COVID. The fact that we lived separately for work is a testament to that. The pandemic has taught me to slow down.”
While being less defined by work is undoubtedly a good thing, loosening a grip on that part of your life and yourself, even temporarily, isn’t always easy. For me, losing the sense of independence that I previously found through work travel has opened up anxieties about other sacrifices women are frequently expected to make, particularly as they progress through their thirties and potentially into motherhood—sacrifices that, more often than not, don’t fall within the purview of men.
Anderson says that, while she and her husband thrived as a couple while spending so much time apart, it prompted judgement from others. “People would comment, and comment on it often; I think it was very strange to people,” she says. “And a lot of it falls on the woman. People thought I was just picking my career. We were trying to grow our family and going through some infertility challenges, and I got a lot of side comments [suggesting] that if I just stopped putting so much importance on [my work] and found a local job, a lot of things would be resolved.”
It can be hard to productively communicate fears of loss or inequity to a partner, especially in a time when everyone has been forced to grieve at least some aspect of their old lives. Moore also acknowledges that each partner may have been experiencing the past year in a different way. She suggests checking in with each other regularly to talk about the impact of the pandemic, on yourselves, and on your relationship. “Make it an ongoing conversation and ask, How are you handling it this week? What are you missing? What are you longing for?”
For some couples, those conversations have led to re-evaluating their choices on a more permanent basis. Take Caitlin Pangares, a digital marketing consultant who was traveling one to three times a month pre-pandemic. When working from home with her fiancé felt too claustrophobic—“A one bedroom apartment starts to feel very cozy, very quickly when two people and one dog are living and working there all day, every day”—they broke their lease in San Francisco and spent the summer hopping around Airbnbs on the West Coast before settling into a new life in Brooklyn this past October.
Jennifer Zollo, meanwhile, who describes herself as “an introverted only child,” has always flourished on her own. Before 2020, the 26-year-old compliance specialist and travel blogger found herself traveling two or three times a quarter—a stark contrast to her partner who rarely traveled. “Traveling solo, for work or leisure, has always been my way to reset and recharge,” she says. “Traveling, of course, was what defined me as a blogger. [But] for my job as a compliance specialist, I have found that the lack of travel made me feel like I was at a standstill in my career. I was no longer attending events to learn about changes coming up in [my] industry. I [had] always returned from those trips with a new sense of purpose and a renewed drive. Without business travel, I've struggled to find motivation to keep pushing for that next step.”
But while Zollo says she intends to return to a similar travel pattern after the pandemic ends—maybe even more so—most of the women I spoke to felt a little differently. Anderson, for example, says that while she intends to continue to travel for work, she and her husband are looking to find a new schedule, one that allows them to both spend more time with their young daughter. Daly, meanwhile, plans to remain in the same place as her partner permanently, and Pangares wants to continue finding ways to incorporate her fiancé into her travels in a more meaningful way.
Though living through a pandemic has felt like running a marathon where the finish line keeps moving, finally stepping into post-pandemic life may present its own set of challenges. One year in, we’ve all gotten used to a slower pace. What we expect, or need, from those closest to us may have shifted. Moore says that that gradual return to normal is something that we can prepare for—embrace, even.
“It will be a good thing when things start to change,” says Moore. “But ask yourself, What do you want to keep? You might not want to lose part of what you created when you were together all the time.”
We’re reporting on how COVID-19 impacts travel on a daily basis. Find our latest coronavirus coverage here, or visit our complete guide to COVID-19 and travel.
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For These Women, the Freedom of Work Travel Is an Unexpected Pandemic Loss - Condé Nast Traveler
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